How we handle conflict

By Randy Butler
HCP columnist

I have no evidence, but I’m convinced people have argued since the beginning of time. Adam and Eve probably disagreed daily about chores or responsibilities – and there wasn’t anyone else around to take sides.

When we think back to childhood, conflict was part of everyday life. Friends or siblings upset us, and we reacted quickly. But just as quickly, we forgave. No grudges. No long-term resentment. What changed as we grew older?

No one goes through life without being disappointed, angered or confused by someone – whether it’s a close friend, a family member, or even a stranger. Given enough time, everyone we know will let us down in some way. That’s simply part of being human.

Christian writer Charles Swindoll once said, “The longer I live, the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.” It takes a moment to absorb, but it’s hard to deny the truth in it.

We’ve all been hurt or disrespected by others, and – if we’re honest – we’ve done the same. I certainly have. So, the real question becomes: What do we do about it?

When we’re the ones in the wrong, the obvious answer is to make it right. That’s not always easy. What if we don’t believe we were wrong? That’s something each of us must sort out personally. We must ask ourselves whether being right is worth losing a relationship. Only we can make that call, and it should come from the heart – not from raw emotion.

But the tougher question is how to respond when someone wrongs us. I think there are three things to consider: 

• Is it worth reacting at all?

• Even if our anger feels justified, is the relationship worth damaging?

• What action needs to be taken?

If, after real thought – not just three seconds of emotion – you answer yes to all three, then move forward.

Recently, while watching two of my grandsons, I decided to ask 9-year-old Maddox for some wisdom. I asked what he would do if his little brother hurt him. His first answer was that he’d tell a therapist or counselor. 

We talked about it and agreed that might not work since he had neither the money nor the phone number. 

Then I rephrased the question: “If you wanted things to be good again – like before – who would you talk to?” 

His answer came instantly: his brother Marshall. He understood perfectly.

And that’s the point. If you believe you’ve been wronged – by a person, a business, your workplace, or anyone – you must decide whether you want to resolve the issue and move on with your life.

If you do, you must go directly to the source. Nowhere else. Venting to others, posting online, or involving outside parties won’t fix the problem. We see this every day – it simply doesn’t work.

All it does is start a fight with no real ending; and in those battles, no one wins.

Randy Butler is a local real estate professional and a columnist for The Highland County Press.