When Bigfoot is the news, SCI responds

Whenever the elusive Bigfoot is in the news, The Highland County Press stands erect and takes notice.

Bigfoot sightings – those related to the Noble Sasquatch, if you please – are much rarer than Elvis sightings. And, let's be clear, Elvis sightings are only reported by those Tender Souls living in denial at Heartbreak Hotel.

Sasquatch sightings, on the other hand, are every bit as real as UFO sightings and Blue Yeti encounters. (The latter of which is much rarer on this continent, but not altogether improbable.)

This past weekend, several reports suggested that a Pennsylvania Sasquatch may have been responsible for recent damages to a 1973 Winnebago. (Note: To think of the territorial range of any Sasquatch to be limited to any state smaller than Alaska is a lot of – to borrow Crazy Uncle Joe Biden's favorite word – malarkey.)

Several of us at the HCP are also card-carrying members of SCI (Sasquatch Control, Ink. Yes, Ink. We buy a lot of it.)

Therefore, when these "sightings" crop up from time to time, we feel compelled to either put our foot down (sorry) and quickly debunk the latest rumor du jour – or, verify the reports' likelihood of authenticity.

And just to put your doubts and fears to rest, we also have one card-carrying Sherpa on staff.

With this being said, let's examine the evidence, shall we?

Ashley Wislock of The Daily Item (http://dailyitem.com) is, to the best of our knowledge, a distinguished Keystone State scribe with bylines from various and sundry Pennsylvania locales, including, but not limited to: Lykens, Mifflinburg, Bellfonte, Danville, Northumberland, Meadowbrook, Sunbury and points east.

On Oct. 20, Ashley reported from Lykens, Pa.: "Bigfoot may be on the prowl in central Pennsylvania. A Dauphin County man claims the creature may be responsible for recent damage to his Winnebago.

"John Reed, of Lykens, said Sasquatches are on the loose in the woods in the region and that one smashed the rear window and taillights of his 1973 motor home and stole camera equipment. Reed filed a report with state police Friday."

Well, that settles it. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, our local experts are in full agreement with the initial report.

To what do we base this seemingly hasty conclusion?

Glad you asked.

For starters, I have a newspaper column deadline and I am trying my level best not to write about the Comedy of Errors in County Government. It's too tempting.

Secondly, when we read that this Sasquatch abused a 1973 Winnebago, well, that's another telltale indicator. Those of us at SCI (Sasquatch Control, Ink) know all too well that – for some as yet undetermined reason – the Noble Yeti, I mean Sasquatch, has an extreme aversion to the Winnebago. No one knows exactly why.

On the other hand, there are absolutely zero confirmed reports of any Sasquatch attacks on the Airstream Travel-Trailer. It just doesn't happen.

Ashley Wislock continues her report: "(Mr.) Reed and his girlfriend, Shawnee Rudy, were playing cards in the Winnebago when they saw something go by a window, he said. Something that was 'very large, brown in color and ... hunched over,' Reed told police.

"The next thing Rudy and Reed — who are members of the Lykens Valley Sasquatch Hunters group — knew, the Winnebago was being pelted by rocks."

Once again, the evidence is what it is. As SCI field agent Lisa Wharton pointed out at today's briefing inside the Situation Room of The Highland County Press: "Had this (being) been a Florida Skunk Ape or your average, run-of-the-mill gorilla, the Winnebago would have been pelted by something other than rocks."

True, that.

Other SCI field agents nodded thoughtfully in full concurrence.

Lastly, as Reporter Wislock well, reported: "The couple turned on a light outside the trailer to get a closer look, but the creature fled into the night, not wanting to be spotted."

That basically sealed the deal. We've all had similar encounters with the Beasts with the Feets. These are purely nocturnal creatures. They avoid light like a Vampire avoids, well, light.

Years ago, we had a call from nearby Pike County (we're licensed in four southern Ohio counties) from a rather hysterical woman. We could hear the screaming and yelling over the land line.

Why she didn't call 911 remains a mystery, but she had picked up an SCI field agent's business card left at the Emmitt House bar in Waverly.

I (I mean the field agent) had been called to investigate a poltergeist sighting. (It's all over the Internet, by now, I would imagine.)

As soon as the woman called, we tried to go through our immediate check list of "dos and don'ts." Rule No. 1 is simple: The Sasquatch hates light.

But it was too late. She shined her Assault Force Tactical Streamlight Strion Flashlight (her husband's ex-Po-Po, don't you know) with its eight Energizer Bunny batteries directly into the eyes of the beast.

Bigfoot was off to the races like a racehorse, well, off to the races.

As I said, that was several years ago and it was our last known local sighting. (Scat samples confirmed it the next morning.)

We are pleased to report that SCI field agent Josh Roach is, indeed, in Pennsylvania as of this writing. He's on the scent – and trail – of the elusive Sasquatch which desecrated an otherwise perfect vacation home (who am I kidding, I'd live in a 1973 Winnebago year-round).

Let's all wish Josh Godspeed. Stay safe, my loyal compadre, in those Laurel Highlands in the Allegheny Mountains of the Keystone Beer State.

Meanwhile, back at the SCI base station, we are anticipating a local sighting at the 2012 Rotary Bowl football game. In fact, one Alert Reader has submitted photographic evidence that Sasquatch is alive and well on South High Street.

Who knew?

Rory Ryan is publisher of The Highland County Press and a field agent for Sasquatch Control, Ink.