MIBs read SCI email

So, George Orwell was right, after all.

Uncle Sam, as it turns out, is a lot nosier than Aunt Bee ever was.

Uncle Sam is nosier than Cousin Floyd Lawson and Sister Sarah, the Mayberry telephone operator who never seemed to have a moment away from work.

If a high school dropout named Edward Snowden is to be believed, good ol' Uncle Sam listens in on our cell phone conversations, reads our e-mails and can decipher smoke signals better than a 19th century Native American.

Since I haven't made a cell phone call in about a decade, that's of no real personal concern.

Since the only smoke signals I'm guilty of transmitting are due to an occasional cigar (Macanudo, if you please) or a small (relatively speaking) fire by my barn, that's of no real personal concern, either.

As to the email eavesdropping? Well, I'll cut crystal with you, Uncle Sam. You got me there.

While 75 percent of all my email correspondences are, in fact, work related, the other half are basically similar to the scat of an uncastrated male bovine.

(And, yes, I realize there's a slight discrepancy in the arithmetic in that previous sentence.)

There's also the likelihood of a slight discrepancy in Mr. Snowden's recent revelations.

For that latter half of all my personal emails, I like to think that I've sent some humorous ones from time to time. I know with certainty that I have received some humorous ones from time to time (thanks, Doc).

But as it is with such communications, context is everything. Two friends can make an innocent joke (as long as one of them is not the president of Ohio State University) and there's no harm – and there's no foul.

However, if Uncle Sam and his favorite Big Brother get into dissecting each letter and each character and each punctuation mark and each capitalization and every ellipsis … and so on, etc., well, hell, that can complicate matters, can't it?

I can just hear the interrogation from the National Security Men in Black. (NATMIBs.)

"So, roryeryan@gmail.com, just what did you mean on the night of the full moon in October 2007 when you wrote that the 'Eagle has landed,' and you later received a reply from a Billy Lange that 'the blue bird of paradise flies up his nose?'"

"Uh, hmm. Didn't Lois Lerner take the Fifth (Amendment) recently? That's what I'd like to do, your honor."

"Sorry, Pal. That's an IRS matter," the CIA apparition responds. "Besides, we're not judges. And what about all these Sasquatch emails to all these field agents? Sasquatch intel is still classified."

Doing my best Ralph Kramden impersonation, I answer, with all due respect, "Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana."

"You just googled 'hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana' to see how to spell it, didn't you?" the spook, I mean apparition, asks behind dark sunglasses.

"You guys are good," I thought to myself.

* * *

Meanwhile, investigative reporter Jon Rappoport (www.nomorefakenews.com) asks these pertinent questions regarding the recent whistle-blowing by Edward Snowden:

"First, I'm not doubting the documents Ed Snowden has brought forward. I'm not doubting the illegal reach of the NSA in spying on Americans and the world," Rappoport said.

Mr. Rappoport continues:

• "Could Snowden have been given extraordinary access to classified info as part of a larger scheme?

• "If he was accepted in the Special Forces training program because he had special computer skills, then why discharge him simply because he broke both legs?

• "In 2009, Snowden leaves the CIA. Why? Presumably because he's disillusioned. It should be noted here that Snowden claimed he could do very heavy damage to the entire U.S. intelligence community in 2008, but decided to wait because he thought Obama, just coming into the presidency, might make good changes. After two years with the CIA in Geneva, Snowden really had the capability to take down the whole U.S. intelligence network, or a major chunk of it? He had that much access to classified data?

"Although I'm sure someone will write me and say I'm defending the NSA. I'm not. But if Snowden was maneuvered, in his career, without his knowing it, to arrive at just this point, then we have a whole new story. We have a story about unknown forces who wanted this exposure to occur."

After reading all this, I'm thinking Mr. Rappoport's latest column – which was emailed to me by a suddenly missing member of the TEA Party, no less – is going to cause even more interrogations than the Noble Sasquatch standing guard at 128 South High Street.

I'd call the SCI (Sasquatch Control, Inc.) field agents for a special meeting, but the CIA (definitely not Sasquatch Control, Inc.) would probably be listening.

Maybe I could send an email. Nope, that's not secure, either. Google and the Gov are in bed like Elizabeth Taylor and … (you figure it out).

Smoke signals might work. It's time for an evening cigar, anyway.

Field agents, assemble.

Rory Ryan is CEO of SCI and publisher of this newspaper – until the Men in Black take him away. Soon, we all hope.