An intercepted memo from heaven

Memo/October 8, 2013

To: Ernie B. Blankenship
Angel Emeritus, 
With Sainthood Status
Pending Final Confirmation

From: St. Peter
re: Heavenly Protocol

Dear Ernie,

Welcome to Heaven. Your ascension was never in doubt.

We have heard a lot about you. In fact, many prayers have been said – and heard – on your behalf.

Why, it appears that you have more friends than John the Apostle – and no Doubting Thomases among them, either.

What's that? Oh, yes, Coach Dave Young is here.

Yes, yes, Coach Rockne is here, too. We all know what a sports fan you are. We know all about your trips to South Bend to watch Notre Dame (Blessed be Our Mother) football.

And speaking of Notre Dame football, two of the Four Horsemen have already filed minor complaints about your new radio interview requests.

What's that? No, it doesn't matter which two.

But Elmer Layden's been here a long time now and he just doesn't grant interview requests anymore. We all were surprised that he spoke with you for as long as he did.

Jim Crowley on the other hand, well, he's still as cantankerous as when he played for the Irish. You might steer clear of him for awhile.

That brings up another point. We understand that you have a long and storied history of talking about and reporting on sports events, everything from football to basketball to baseball and golf. We know, too, that you once broadcast a Donkey Basketball Game from center court at Hillsboro High School.

Listen, Ernie. We understand. Really, we do. You enjoy your work. You love your work. And we love you for it. You have given so much of yourself over the years – which is one of the reasons why you're here.

But you see, this is Heaven. You don't have to rush from one event to the next. You don't have to broadcast 150 games a year for 50 years. We live life at a much more peaceful pace.

This is a place of Tranquility, if you will.

What's that? You want to get Knute Rockne, Frank Leahy and Adolph Rupp together for your next Sports Roundtable Discussion? I'm afraid that's asking a lot.

Who will vouch for you? Father Ted Hesburgh? Well, yes, I'm sure he would. But he's not with us just yet.

How old is he? I believe he's 96 in Earth years.

Yes, yes, we do expect him at some point. Be patient.

And that reminds me again. Patience is what we're talking about today. Your patience.

Here in Heaven, time does wait for all men. You do not have to do 10 different things at once.

Good God (forgive me, Father), Ernie, this is your first day in Heaven. Slow down. Relax. Read a newspaper. We have all of the popular ones online now.

Who? John Wayne? Oh, oh, you mean Marion Morrison. Yes, Ernie, Marion, er, John Wayne, has been with us since 1979.

Yes, I agree. He made some great Western movies.

No, no, I don't think you should interview him right away. Besides, Mike Wallace from CBS just got here about a year ago and even he can't get an interview with The Duke. (Don't tell anyone, but nobody likes Mike.)

Joe who? Joe Nuxhall? Oh my Lord (sorry again, Sir). Yes, indeed, The Old Lefthander is here. He's been asking about you. In fact, we have a previous recording of one of your interviews with Nuxie from Buckeye Hills Golf Course. Very funny. Good stuff.

OK, Ernie. You can interview Joe Nuxhall for your first broadcast from Heaven.

That reminds me of another problem: We've had a few cases of Heavenly Light Lager reported missing. I need to call Joe about that.

If you see him before I do, don't mention it. This is Heaven. We have baseball, football, basketball, etc. All the essentials. And lots of time. All the time in this world.

You're going to like it here. After all, you earned it.

Welcome to Heaven, Ernie.

We'll let you know on the Sainthood Status, but you've got nothing to worry about, my friend. We love you.

Rory Ryan is publisher and editor of The Highland County Press.