From the files: When an old columnist is too tired to come up with anything new

Rock 'n' roll should be made by truck drivers from Tupelo, Mississippi, not studio musicians with an album commitment to fulfill.

– Southside Johnny

Westside Steve is one of my heroes.

He's not quite up there with John Wayne, Ted Williams, Audie Murphy and Bill Lange. But he's in the hunt. And he's never been a political party hack, either, God bless him. Lord knows, we've got more than enough of those as it is. 

Not to be confused with the real Southside Johnny, Westside Steve is a musician in his own right. He's even shared a few of the same stages with Southside Johnny (the musician, not the local HCP blogger by the same name) and Bruce Springsteen.

While Jon Bon Jovi credits Southside Johnny as his reason for singing, Westside Steve says 'I thank God every day I'm alive to do this.'

Westside Steve is more famous in northern Ohio than in southern Ohio. He might even change his name to Northside Steve. He's among the most popular entertainers at the party capital of Ohio, South Bass Island, also known as Put-in-Bay.

Several years ago, we listened to Westside's alternative lyrics to the Jimmy Buffett classic "Margaritaville" at the Crescent Tavern patio.

Nothin' is sure but this brand-new tattoo,
But it's a real beauty,
On my patootie,
If I get drunk, I will show it to you...

On one hot August weekend not all that long ago, we helped stimulate Ohio's struggling economy by spending a few days in Port Clinton, Sandusky, Cleveland and, of course, South Bass Island, whose motto is: "What happens on the island either stays on the island or the Youngstown mob will make you an offer you can't refuse."

The island, which is accessible only by boat or small aircraft, is well prepared to maintain its own pursuit of happiness. It has a winery and a brewery — just in case the ships don't sail and the planes can't fly.

Day One began at Cedar Point, the roller-coaster capital of the world. A dozen or so years ago, my oldest daughter and I rode the old wooden Gemini coaster for the first time.

My cell phone rang as we were about to climb aboard. (That was about as bad, timing-wise, as a cell phone ringing in Judge Rocky Coss' courtroom.)

As we reached the top of the coaster's highest and steepest hill, I tossed the damned cell phone in the general vicinity of Lake Erie. There was an uneducated idiot on the other end.

I haven't owned a cell phone since. No kidding.

On this particular year's trip, four of us rode the Gemini three times in 15 minutes. After the third ride, my brains were scrambled and my cage was rattled. We moved on to something less jarring. Like another coaster.

By my count, I rode 15 rides and then sat down in the shade and let the younger folks have their fun. Cedar Point remains my favorite Ohio amusement park and I thank Robin Innes and the CP crew for their hospitality.

Day Two found us at South Bass Island before most of the bars, restaurants and gift shops opened. We had a nice walking tour of all the boats that were docked in the island harbor and the local parks. (You know you're getting old when you begin to enjoy walking and looking, instead of running and doing!)

On past trips, I've stimulated the island economy at the Roundhouse, a 130-year-old red circular bar, where a painting by Southern State's Skip Werline has hung for years.

I've also added to the cash flow of the Beer Barrel Saloon, home of the world's longest bar (405 feet).

This year, we noticed The Salt Rim, just down the street. It bills itself as the world's smallest Margarita bar. Seating for two. Nearby is a tiki bar with swinging bar stools. I took a pass. Instead, I tried the playground swings at DeRivera Park with a Dairy Queen chocolate milk shake. Good call...

The best view of South Bass Island is from atop the Perry Victory and International Peace Memorial. Perry's monument was established to honor those who fought in the Battle of Lake Erie, during the War of 1812, and to celebrate the long-lasting peace between Great Britain, Canada and the United State. The memorial is a Doric column (whatever that is, I'm not educated, after all), rising 352 feet over Lake Erie, and it is located five miles from the longest undefended border in the world. (With Canada, eh?) 

Day Two progressed into Night Two and the beginning of Day Three when we met up with friends outside Progressive Field (aka The Jake) in downtown Cleveland. The Tribe hosted the Twins and I honestly could not have cared less. Until I did.

American League baseball is, to borrow a phrase from Hunter Thompson, like watching a bunch of Old Men arguing over money on the front porch. Only longer.

This Thursday night lovefest must have included 247 timeouts, 119 conferences on the pitcher's mound, and the longest manager-umpire argument in history without an ejection.

And, like Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, I still think Jim Thome's blast to left-center field was a Twins' home run. Matt LaPorta ended the marathon by connecting off Matt Guerrier after the Twins had tied it in the top half of the ninth on a two-run single by Alexei Casilla off closer Chris Perez. My son predicted the walk-off blast.

Until LaPorta's walk-off Johnson in the bottom of the ninth, I was convinced that I'd just witnessed the most boring 3-hour-and-28-minute, non-extra-inning baseball game in history. With one swing of the bat, that opinion quickly changed. And it really changed immediately after the game when my (then) 15-year-old son, who had the benefit of sitting behind home plate while his Old Man was feeding peanuts to low-flying pigeons and seagulls in the right field cheap seats, told me, "I got a ball."

No kidding.

Colin corralled a foul ball off the bat of Cleveland infielder Jason Donald. It's a genuine Rawlings, signed by Commissioner Bud Selig.

Fireworks followed the game. We left Progressive Field on Cloud 9. But American League baseball still sucks. And that's from a Yankees' fan.

On Day Three, we drove over to Catawba Island and the Marblehead Lighthouse. There's a terrific view of Cedar Point from maybe five or six miles away. It's probably an even better view at night. A day of swimming and relaxation completed the extended weekend.

Now, back to Westside Steve.

Simmons, 59, spends his summer playing music on South Bass Island and his winters playing music in Key West, Fla. How cool is that?

His new album, Limestone Cowboy, is out and available online at www.westsidesteve.com. The CD includes "The Battle of Lake Erie," a recounting of the famous naval battle of the War of 1812. The victory secured control of the Great Lake and assured that the states of Ohio and Michigan would remain the sovereign territory of the United States of America.

For a brief history lesson, this was the U.S.-Britain naval battle at the conclusion of which Commander Oliver Hazard Perry wrote to Gen. William Henry Harrison: "Dear General, We have met the enemy and they are ours." (More than 150 years later, Walt Kelly of "Pogo" fame would alter the Perry quote to 'We have met the enemy and he is us.')

Kind of puts me in the mood for a steel-cage match with a Sasquatch. Maybe we could sell tickets with proceeds to charity. 

Funny. America used to have war heroes who were unapologetic about claiming a well-earned and hard-fought victory. Times change.

Rory Ryan is publisher of The Highland County Press.