Employee evaluations and Montezuma's Revenge
Lead Summary
By
Rory Ryan-hcpress@cinci.rr.com
Once again, Ladies and Gentlemen, prior to beginning this column, please insert the now-famous and ever-popular John Tallieu Sarcasm Font. You might need it.
As you've been forewarned, let's take a look at a subject that's near and dear to the hearts of working men, women and children everywhere.
That's right! Back, by popular demand: Employee Evaluations!
Yes, folks, it's that time of year. The time when benevolent employers arbitrarily determine whether their employees are worthy of a positive evaluation for their previous 12 months' efforts.
For a bit of a brief background, I've been around, you know.
In a previous lifetime, one of my employers (Don't go jumping to conclusions, I've worked for several companies!) had the bright idea of spending thousands of dollars for a company "retreat." Trouble is, I don't believe in retreating.
So we all loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly Hills. Wait. That's not right. We loaded up the van and drove to a Columbus venue, where we (divisional managers) were instructed on the proper way to conduct the dreaded employee evaluation.
We were not instructed on the proper remedies for possible food poisoning, which may have better served those of us who were served the mystery meat of the day. But I digress, as I usually do while writing in the now-famous and ever-popular John Tallieu Sarcasm Font.
Not long after Montezuma's Revenge took a serious hold, I basically nodded in and out of consciousness that day. I recall trying to get a shot of rum (just to settle my stomach) at the house lounge, called Booties, I think. They were closed. But my insides weren't. Traveler's diarrhea is no laughing matter and Bootie with his bow tie wasn't helping things that day.
But back to the employee evaluations…
As I recall, the speakers of the day had expensive suits; thus, they had to know what they were being paid to talk about.
They also had a tremendous grasp of the obvious. They really did.
They told us things like:
• Be prepared before calling the already nervous employee in to your corporate-monitored office.
• Be positive and begin by telling the employee how valuable he/she is before rejecting his/her raise.
• Keep tissues handy.
• Offer coffee, water or a diet Coke.
• Avoid confrontation. You really don't want a younger, stronger employee kicking your butt in your own corporate-controlled office climate, do you? Let's be careful out there.
• Above all else, keep it real. KEEP IT REAL?! What is this, 1975? No kidding!! The guys in suits actually told us to "keep it real." I laughed so hard that my Montezuma's Revenge made a surprise attack and I missed the next 30 minutes of the corporate insanity while becoming well acquainted with Bootie's men's room.
Where was I?
Oh, yes. When evaluating an employee, besides keeping it real, you should find out what the employee thinks of the evaluation process. (I'm not a smart man, but I have a pretty good idea.)
• Ask the employee about his/her likes and dislikes in regard to working for you.
• And above all else, pretend to be a good listener. Because, well, people like that. Even if you're just pretending.
It wasn't long after that sickening day in the Buckeye capital that I stumbled across a Wall Street Journal story or two that advised (thank God) AGAINST annual employee evaluations.
Rachel Emma Silverman, for instance, wrote that some companies are deciding not to do the dreaded evaluations.
"While most continue to perform the awkward rite of passage once or twice a year, a few companies — about 1 percent — are scrapping the formality altogether, according to the Corporate Executive Board. The thinking is that performance reviews are angst-provoking and even ineffective in actually motivating workers."
As a past and present worker, my immediate response would be "no … shinola."
And there's this from Wall Street Journal Online by Samuel Culbert: "You can call me 'dense,' you can call me 'iconoclastic,' but I see nothing constructive about an annual pay and performance review. It's a mainstream practice that has baffled me for years.
"To my way of thinking, a one-side-accountable, boss-administered review is little more than a dysfunctional pretense. It's a negative to corporate performance, an obstacle to straight-talk relationships, and a prime cause of low morale at work. Even the mere knowledge that such an event will take place damages daily communications and teamwork."
Amen, Brother Sam. By the way – using the now-famous and ever-popular John Tallieu Sarcasm Font – Keep on Keepin' it Real, my man.
Of course, maybe it really is time for the Cameco Communications, LLC brass to implement an annual employee evaluation process.
I can almost see it now.
Angie and I schedule the initial interview with our very first employee, Lisa Wharton.
"What do you want?" Lisa demands.
"We're here for the annual employe evaluation," I reply.
"Whatever," Lisa says. "And, by the way, you misspelled 'employee' in that last sentence."
Life is good when you have employees you trust. Life's even better when you have employees who are a lot smarter than their employer.
I've done my last employee evaluation, and I thank my co-workers for that little extra gem in my life.
Rory Ryan is publisher of The Highland County Press, where employee evaluations are not necessary.[[In-content Ad]]
As you've been forewarned, let's take a look at a subject that's near and dear to the hearts of working men, women and children everywhere.
That's right! Back, by popular demand: Employee Evaluations!
Yes, folks, it's that time of year. The time when benevolent employers arbitrarily determine whether their employees are worthy of a positive evaluation for their previous 12 months' efforts.
For a bit of a brief background, I've been around, you know.
In a previous lifetime, one of my employers (Don't go jumping to conclusions, I've worked for several companies!) had the bright idea of spending thousands of dollars for a company "retreat." Trouble is, I don't believe in retreating.
So we all loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly Hills. Wait. That's not right. We loaded up the van and drove to a Columbus venue, where we (divisional managers) were instructed on the proper way to conduct the dreaded employee evaluation.
We were not instructed on the proper remedies for possible food poisoning, which may have better served those of us who were served the mystery meat of the day. But I digress, as I usually do while writing in the now-famous and ever-popular John Tallieu Sarcasm Font.
Not long after Montezuma's Revenge took a serious hold, I basically nodded in and out of consciousness that day. I recall trying to get a shot of rum (just to settle my stomach) at the house lounge, called Booties, I think. They were closed. But my insides weren't. Traveler's diarrhea is no laughing matter and Bootie with his bow tie wasn't helping things that day.
But back to the employee evaluations…
As I recall, the speakers of the day had expensive suits; thus, they had to know what they were being paid to talk about.
They also had a tremendous grasp of the obvious. They really did.
They told us things like:
• Be prepared before calling the already nervous employee in to your corporate-monitored office.
• Be positive and begin by telling the employee how valuable he/she is before rejecting his/her raise.
• Keep tissues handy.
• Offer coffee, water or a diet Coke.
• Avoid confrontation. You really don't want a younger, stronger employee kicking your butt in your own corporate-controlled office climate, do you? Let's be careful out there.
• Above all else, keep it real. KEEP IT REAL?! What is this, 1975? No kidding!! The guys in suits actually told us to "keep it real." I laughed so hard that my Montezuma's Revenge made a surprise attack and I missed the next 30 minutes of the corporate insanity while becoming well acquainted with Bootie's men's room.
Where was I?
Oh, yes. When evaluating an employee, besides keeping it real, you should find out what the employee thinks of the evaluation process. (I'm not a smart man, but I have a pretty good idea.)
• Ask the employee about his/her likes and dislikes in regard to working for you.
• And above all else, pretend to be a good listener. Because, well, people like that. Even if you're just pretending.
It wasn't long after that sickening day in the Buckeye capital that I stumbled across a Wall Street Journal story or two that advised (thank God) AGAINST annual employee evaluations.
Rachel Emma Silverman, for instance, wrote that some companies are deciding not to do the dreaded evaluations.
"While most continue to perform the awkward rite of passage once or twice a year, a few companies — about 1 percent — are scrapping the formality altogether, according to the Corporate Executive Board. The thinking is that performance reviews are angst-provoking and even ineffective in actually motivating workers."
As a past and present worker, my immediate response would be "no … shinola."
And there's this from Wall Street Journal Online by Samuel Culbert: "You can call me 'dense,' you can call me 'iconoclastic,' but I see nothing constructive about an annual pay and performance review. It's a mainstream practice that has baffled me for years.
"To my way of thinking, a one-side-accountable, boss-administered review is little more than a dysfunctional pretense. It's a negative to corporate performance, an obstacle to straight-talk relationships, and a prime cause of low morale at work. Even the mere knowledge that such an event will take place damages daily communications and teamwork."
Amen, Brother Sam. By the way – using the now-famous and ever-popular John Tallieu Sarcasm Font – Keep on Keepin' it Real, my man.
Of course, maybe it really is time for the Cameco Communications, LLC brass to implement an annual employee evaluation process.
I can almost see it now.
Angie and I schedule the initial interview with our very first employee, Lisa Wharton.
"What do you want?" Lisa demands.
"We're here for the annual employe evaluation," I reply.
"Whatever," Lisa says. "And, by the way, you misspelled 'employee' in that last sentence."
Life is good when you have employees you trust. Life's even better when you have employees who are a lot smarter than their employer.
I've done my last employee evaluation, and I thank my co-workers for that little extra gem in my life.
Rory Ryan is publisher of The Highland County Press, where employee evaluations are not necessary.[[In-content Ad]]