Predicting sports for 2011
By
Stephen Forsha-sforsha@gmail.com
Happy New Year. With this being my first column of 2011, I thought it would be the perfect time to look into the Highland County Press crystal ball (actually, it is just an empty candy bowl) to make predictions for the 2011 sports year.
Here is a month-by-month look into the future of sports as I continue to celebrate my 2010 fantasy football championship. Yes, the Winless Wonders were No. 1.
I've never been the defending champion before in a fantasy football league. Besides winning a ribbon in elementary school for a football-passing contest, this is the greatest athletic feat I've accomplished.
With my fantasy title, I now have more football championships than the Cincinnati Bengals, Minnesota Vikings and the Buffalo Bills, losers of a combined 10 Super Bowls.
Now to my predictions.
January
• The Seattle Seahawks will be the 7-9 NFL team to win their division (NFC West) by defeating the St. Louis Rams Sunday night. They won't win a playoff game because, well, they are a terrible team with a losing record.
• Brett Favre will retire … and stay retired. In five years, everyone will love Favre again when he's inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His wife will take away his cell phone.
• Jim Harbaugh will be named head football coach of the University of Michigan Wolverines. The new names of the Big Ten won't stay Leaders and Legends. They will be changed to Bert and Ernie. Or Batman and Robin. Or my vote, Cheech and Chong.
• Auburn will win the BCS National Title nine days after the Rose Bowl is played, where Wisconsin proved the Big Ten is a higher level of football than that of TCU and the other non-automatic bowl divisions. Wisconsin will celebrate with a block of tasty cheese.
February
• Tom Brady will be named Super Bowl XLV MVP after the New England Patriots defeat the Chicago Bears. After the game, his teammates will hold him down and give him a buzz cut.
• Greg Biffle will win the 2011 Daytona 500. During his victory celebration, he will thank all 26 sponsors, the fans, his mom, dad, wife, owner, mailman, doctor, the boys back at the shop, the fry cook at his favorite 24-hour diner, and crew chief for willing him to victory.
• Ohio will seem a little warmer when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training, though really it will be cold and miserable.
March
• The four new teams added to the NCAA men's basketball bracket will not make any difference on the outcome of the eventual basketball champion. By the time the tournament is completed, most of the country won't remember who the four teams were.
• Dusty Baker's season supply of toothpicks will arrive at his Great American Ball Park office in Cincinnati. Two-hundred trees will have given their lives for the skipper.
• The Cincinnati Reds will win on Opening Day for the first time since 2007. They will no-decision Zack Greinke, just like they did with Pedro Martínez in 2005.
April
• Duke will win the Men's NCAA title. UConn will win the Women's title.
• Phil Mickelson will NOT win the Masters, but Tiger Woods will. Woods will celebrate with a nice dinner at Perkins because you know he's a fan of more than their food. Apparently, they have wonderful service.
• The Cincinnati Bengals won't draft a quarterback with their first-round pick. I'm saying the best available wide receiver. Fans will gripe but still order season tickets.
• John Cena will win the main event at Wrestlemania XXVII. He will win as Brett Favre gives The Miz a chair shot to the back (WWE is PG nowadays) while wearing Wrangler Jeans. It could happen. Lawrence Taylor was in the main event of Wrestlemania XI.
May
• Marco Andretti will be the winner of the Indianapolis 500. Danica Patrick will finish 12th and get more TV time with reporters asking her why she lost. Andretti will realize the tradition of drinking a glass of milk on a hot day was a bad choice.
• A horse will cross the finish line first in the Kentucky Derby. It won't matter which one because how many of us can actually remember the name of the horse that won last year? Also, the horse that wins the Derby will not win the Preakness Stakes, but we won't know because we will have already forgotten who won the Derby.
• Cleveland will still be crying about LeBron leaving with the Cavs not even in contention of making the playoffs. Dan Gilbert will write another letter to the Cavs website in his Comic Sans font blaming LeBron again for another underachieving season, though nobody will take him seriously because he wrote his angry letter in Comic Sans.
June
• The NBA Championship will be back in Boston with the Celtics defeating the L.A. Lakers in the Finals, 4-2. Kobe Bryant will be so angry, he'll demand to be traded to the Miami Heat so he can join LeBron and D-Wade. (OK, that will NEVER happen.)
• The U.S. Open won't be won by Tiger Woods. He'll still have a nice dinner at Perkins.
• The Stanley Cup champion will be crowned. Most of the country won't care (I might watch), but Canadians will be glued to their TVs as they watch two teams from the United States fight for the Cup. Canada …Eh.
July
• ESPN will report Brett Favre is passing football with a high school team in his hometown. Get excited, send Ed Werder to Mississippi and their interview will go like this … Ed: Brett, are you planning on retuning to the NFL? Brett: Am I returning to the NFL? Nope. Ed: Are you sure, Brett? Brett: Am I sure? Nope. This will go on until the NFL kickoff in September, pending a lockout.
• The Chicago Cubs and the Pittsburgh Pirates will be at least 10 games out of first place in the NL Central.
• The Reds will trade for a player who will make a difference in the race for the NL Central title.
August
• One-hundred thousand NASCAR fans will wave their hats in a circular motion when the green flag waves at Bristol Motor Speedway on a muggy summer night in Tennessee. You can hear the scream now … JUNIOR! Wait, that is me in front of my TV when the race starts. He will finish somewhere in the Top 43.
• We will realize we totally forgot that the Tour de France race took place in July. After realizing the race is over, we'll remember we didn't miss anything because Lance Armstrong wasn't in the race.
• The Cubs and Pirates will be 15 games out of the NL Central lead.
September
• We will all be sad that there is no NFL because of a lockout. A lockout means no fantasy football, which means over a million men (and women) won't have an excuse to hang out, talk football, create team names that are funny and actually think they drafted a team that can win it all. What a sad day that will be. I don't want to talk about it.
• Cincinnati will repeat as NL Central champions, but St. Louis Cardinal fans will still talk about how they are such a great baseball town as the playoffs will take place without them for the second straight year.
• The Bengals will open up their 2011 home season with a TV blackout due to fan protest as Mike Brown will still be making football decisions. (There is no way the NFL will lockout.)
October
• The Reds will advance to the NLCS but lose to the Philadelphia Phillies in the playoffs for the second year in a row.
• The Boston Red Sox will win the World Series. The New York Yankees will overpay for a 38-year-old shortstop to get back to the top of baseball. Oh wait, that was in 2010.
• Ohio State will be 5-0 when the "Pawn Stars" return from their five-game suspensions. Well, not all of them; some will be third stringers in the NFL.
November
• Jimmie Johnson will win his sixth straight NASCAR Sprint Cup title. Jeff Gordon will throw a wrench at JJ (in anger), but JJ is so awesome, he'll catch it, turning the wrench into yet another championship trophy.
• Brett Favre will un-retire … I'm just messing. Or am I?
• After 75-plus years, the Pittsburgh Steelers will realize they only have a logo on one side of their helmet. They will be embarrassed.
December
• The Big Ten Championship game will be between Ohio State and Nebraska. OSU will represent the Ren Division and Nebraska will be representing the Stimpy Division.
• Against all odds, with my back against the wall, when it looks like I was dead to rights, I will repeat as fantasy football champion. Enough clichés for you?
• The Bengals will extend their consecutive losing seasons to two straight years. If all goes as planned, the Bengals will be playing with a rookie QB and young receivers, and Mike Brown will still be in charge. How could we not see this coming? The fans will demand Rich Rodriguez be fired in his first year in Cincinnati.
Stephen Forsha is the sports editor of The Highland County Press.[[In-content Ad]]
Here is a month-by-month look into the future of sports as I continue to celebrate my 2010 fantasy football championship. Yes, the Winless Wonders were No. 1.
I've never been the defending champion before in a fantasy football league. Besides winning a ribbon in elementary school for a football-passing contest, this is the greatest athletic feat I've accomplished.
With my fantasy title, I now have more football championships than the Cincinnati Bengals, Minnesota Vikings and the Buffalo Bills, losers of a combined 10 Super Bowls.
Now to my predictions.
January
• The Seattle Seahawks will be the 7-9 NFL team to win their division (NFC West) by defeating the St. Louis Rams Sunday night. They won't win a playoff game because, well, they are a terrible team with a losing record.
• Brett Favre will retire … and stay retired. In five years, everyone will love Favre again when he's inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His wife will take away his cell phone.
• Jim Harbaugh will be named head football coach of the University of Michigan Wolverines. The new names of the Big Ten won't stay Leaders and Legends. They will be changed to Bert and Ernie. Or Batman and Robin. Or my vote, Cheech and Chong.
• Auburn will win the BCS National Title nine days after the Rose Bowl is played, where Wisconsin proved the Big Ten is a higher level of football than that of TCU and the other non-automatic bowl divisions. Wisconsin will celebrate with a block of tasty cheese.
February
• Tom Brady will be named Super Bowl XLV MVP after the New England Patriots defeat the Chicago Bears. After the game, his teammates will hold him down and give him a buzz cut.
• Greg Biffle will win the 2011 Daytona 500. During his victory celebration, he will thank all 26 sponsors, the fans, his mom, dad, wife, owner, mailman, doctor, the boys back at the shop, the fry cook at his favorite 24-hour diner, and crew chief for willing him to victory.
• Ohio will seem a little warmer when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training, though really it will be cold and miserable.
March
• The four new teams added to the NCAA men's basketball bracket will not make any difference on the outcome of the eventual basketball champion. By the time the tournament is completed, most of the country won't remember who the four teams were.
• Dusty Baker's season supply of toothpicks will arrive at his Great American Ball Park office in Cincinnati. Two-hundred trees will have given their lives for the skipper.
• The Cincinnati Reds will win on Opening Day for the first time since 2007. They will no-decision Zack Greinke, just like they did with Pedro Martínez in 2005.
April
• Duke will win the Men's NCAA title. UConn will win the Women's title.
• Phil Mickelson will NOT win the Masters, but Tiger Woods will. Woods will celebrate with a nice dinner at Perkins because you know he's a fan of more than their food. Apparently, they have wonderful service.
• The Cincinnati Bengals won't draft a quarterback with their first-round pick. I'm saying the best available wide receiver. Fans will gripe but still order season tickets.
• John Cena will win the main event at Wrestlemania XXVII. He will win as Brett Favre gives The Miz a chair shot to the back (WWE is PG nowadays) while wearing Wrangler Jeans. It could happen. Lawrence Taylor was in the main event of Wrestlemania XI.
May
• Marco Andretti will be the winner of the Indianapolis 500. Danica Patrick will finish 12th and get more TV time with reporters asking her why she lost. Andretti will realize the tradition of drinking a glass of milk on a hot day was a bad choice.
• A horse will cross the finish line first in the Kentucky Derby. It won't matter which one because how many of us can actually remember the name of the horse that won last year? Also, the horse that wins the Derby will not win the Preakness Stakes, but we won't know because we will have already forgotten who won the Derby.
• Cleveland will still be crying about LeBron leaving with the Cavs not even in contention of making the playoffs. Dan Gilbert will write another letter to the Cavs website in his Comic Sans font blaming LeBron again for another underachieving season, though nobody will take him seriously because he wrote his angry letter in Comic Sans.
June
• The NBA Championship will be back in Boston with the Celtics defeating the L.A. Lakers in the Finals, 4-2. Kobe Bryant will be so angry, he'll demand to be traded to the Miami Heat so he can join LeBron and D-Wade. (OK, that will NEVER happen.)
• The U.S. Open won't be won by Tiger Woods. He'll still have a nice dinner at Perkins.
• The Stanley Cup champion will be crowned. Most of the country won't care (I might watch), but Canadians will be glued to their TVs as they watch two teams from the United States fight for the Cup. Canada …Eh.
July
• ESPN will report Brett Favre is passing football with a high school team in his hometown. Get excited, send Ed Werder to Mississippi and their interview will go like this … Ed: Brett, are you planning on retuning to the NFL? Brett: Am I returning to the NFL? Nope. Ed: Are you sure, Brett? Brett: Am I sure? Nope. This will go on until the NFL kickoff in September, pending a lockout.
• The Chicago Cubs and the Pittsburgh Pirates will be at least 10 games out of first place in the NL Central.
• The Reds will trade for a player who will make a difference in the race for the NL Central title.
August
• One-hundred thousand NASCAR fans will wave their hats in a circular motion when the green flag waves at Bristol Motor Speedway on a muggy summer night in Tennessee. You can hear the scream now … JUNIOR! Wait, that is me in front of my TV when the race starts. He will finish somewhere in the Top 43.
• We will realize we totally forgot that the Tour de France race took place in July. After realizing the race is over, we'll remember we didn't miss anything because Lance Armstrong wasn't in the race.
• The Cubs and Pirates will be 15 games out of the NL Central lead.
September
• We will all be sad that there is no NFL because of a lockout. A lockout means no fantasy football, which means over a million men (and women) won't have an excuse to hang out, talk football, create team names that are funny and actually think they drafted a team that can win it all. What a sad day that will be. I don't want to talk about it.
• Cincinnati will repeat as NL Central champions, but St. Louis Cardinal fans will still talk about how they are such a great baseball town as the playoffs will take place without them for the second straight year.
• The Bengals will open up their 2011 home season with a TV blackout due to fan protest as Mike Brown will still be making football decisions. (There is no way the NFL will lockout.)
October
• The Reds will advance to the NLCS but lose to the Philadelphia Phillies in the playoffs for the second year in a row.
• The Boston Red Sox will win the World Series. The New York Yankees will overpay for a 38-year-old shortstop to get back to the top of baseball. Oh wait, that was in 2010.
• Ohio State will be 5-0 when the "Pawn Stars" return from their five-game suspensions. Well, not all of them; some will be third stringers in the NFL.
November
• Jimmie Johnson will win his sixth straight NASCAR Sprint Cup title. Jeff Gordon will throw a wrench at JJ (in anger), but JJ is so awesome, he'll catch it, turning the wrench into yet another championship trophy.
• Brett Favre will un-retire … I'm just messing. Or am I?
• After 75-plus years, the Pittsburgh Steelers will realize they only have a logo on one side of their helmet. They will be embarrassed.
December
• The Big Ten Championship game will be between Ohio State and Nebraska. OSU will represent the Ren Division and Nebraska will be representing the Stimpy Division.
• Against all odds, with my back against the wall, when it looks like I was dead to rights, I will repeat as fantasy football champion. Enough clichés for you?
• The Bengals will extend their consecutive losing seasons to two straight years. If all goes as planned, the Bengals will be playing with a rookie QB and young receivers, and Mike Brown will still be in charge. How could we not see this coming? The fans will demand Rich Rodriguez be fired in his first year in Cincinnati.
Stephen Forsha is the sports editor of The Highland County Press.[[In-content Ad]]