Jim Thompson
Jim Thompson
By Jim Thompson
HCP columnist

It was reported last week that the black hole at the center of the Milky Way has been “photographed.” “Photographed” needs to be in quotes, for a black hole sucks in everything, including light, so what the scientists are photographing are actually the effects near the edge of it.

How far away is this black hole? 26,000 light years. If you are not familiar with light years, a light year is the distance at the speed of light (186,000 miles per second) that can be covered in a year.

However, the administration came out Friday and said this is nothing to fool with; we need to be concerned. Their spokesperson, Dr. Slouchi, of the Institute of Galactic Administration Groups (IGAG) on the Squeegi Islands said we must get prepared now, before it is too late.

The administration explained that they have been concerned about this potential problem for some time, and they had deliberately located IGAG on the remote Squeegi Islands so as to protect us from undue worry.

However, the time has come, with last week’s confirmation, that the citizens of the Earth are definitely in danger and must mobilize against this new threat. With that introduction, Dr. Slouchi held a news conference.

“Folks,” Dr. Slouchi reported, “With the black hole only 26,000 light years away, we must prepare now before we get sucked into its void. We have thousands of qualified scientists on Squeegi and we are going to trust the science on this one. After, all, we are all in this together. As we know, black holes have a tremendous gravitational force, and anything that gets in their vicinity is sucked in and lost forever.

“We have outlined a 100-year plan, with the sacrifices more onerous and severe from one year to the next, but this is the science, so we must do it. As we say, if you hate it now, just wait awhile. I’ll only outline the first five years’ mandates today.

“Although a black hole manifest itself with a gravitational pull, our scientists have determined that magnetic forces contribute to this. So, in the first year we will be collecting all of your small household magnets in order to demagnetize them. This includes children’s magnets, magnetic pens, and especially the rubberized magnets that seal the doors of refrigerators and freezers.

“This last item will cause a lot of inefficiencies in refrigeration, so I, Dr. Slouchi, have ordered the Department of Energy to double the planned number of windmills and solar panels in the second year to make up for this refrigeration loss. These expanded solar panels may result in further losses of croplands, but we all must contribute. Hence, because of the loss of cropland for solar panels and so forth, in the third year, all diets will be reduced to 1,500 calories per day.

“In the fourth year, we will commence finalizing our plans to hide the Earth from the black hole. The theory goes, if we can make the Earth invisible to the black hole, it cannot suck us in. Hence, in the fifth year, we will start our program to turn out all the lights in order to hide the Earth. This may take several years to implement; it depends on the final protocols the scientists establish. For again, we must trust the science.

“We recognize that some people may not enthusiastically follow these very necessary protocols, so we will start with an education program. Talks will be offered at local school board meetings and in local schools to educate the public. These will be known by the name “Critical Erase Theory,” as we are trying to erase the presence of the Earth from the pull of the black hole.

At the conclusion of the press conference, the administration praised the work of Dr. Slouchi and IGAG, and reported, “Now you know why we have seemed to behave so strangely for the last year and a half. We were looking out for you and protecting you from worry.”

Jim Thompson, formerly of Marshall, is a graduate of Hillsboro High School and the University of Cincinnati. He resides in Duluth, Ga. and is a columnist for The Highland County Press. He may be reached at jthompson@taii.com.